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Then there is the old story involving the theft of some chickens:
The Judge: Are you the defendant?
Defendant: Nope. I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
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When Honesty Shows
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.
The bartender said, "I’ve got to ask you -- what’s with the pocket business?"
"Oh,"” said the man, "I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough."
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Lets Be Honest
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let’s be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
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Its Not Water, Its Wine
A lawyer seeks console from his Parish Priest, after his wife leaves him due to excessive drinking.
Priest: "My son, I'll ask your wife to go back home, but you have to promise me that you will stop drinking."
Lawyer: "Yes! Father, I swear!"
A few hours later, the Priest sees the lawyer drinking in a neighborhood bar.
Priest: "My son, you’re lying about your drinking again."
Lawyer: "Father, this is not wine. It is water."
Priest: "I'll be a witness to that, my son."
The Priest leans over and smells the contents of the glass and says, "My son, you’re lying again. This is not water. It is wine.”
Lawyer: "Alleluia, alleluia! Father, the miracle of Cana has come, the water has changed into wine!"
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Outrunning You
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You’re crazy -- you’ll never be able to outrun that bear"
"I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you."
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Didn't Recognize You
The prominent middle-aged attorney was walking in the woods when he heard a booming voice from above say, "You are going to live to be 100."
That must be God speaking, the attorney thought. Immediately he began doing good deeds, figuring out that he now had ample time to make amends in order to enter Heaven. But as he left the homeless shelter where he had just volunteered an hour of his services, he was hit by a bus and killed.
Coming face to face with God, the attorney protested, "You promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead, the very first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I am. Why?"
"I didn’t recognize you," replied God.
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Blind Rabbit
A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."
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When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
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It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
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I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
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