|
********************************************************************************************
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
Now just one minute here! We wish to apologize for the above-mentioned "joke." Duhaime & Company in no way wishes to associate itself with the generalization offered in the above fictional characterization.
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
H. Pepler, The Devil's Dream
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets."
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
There was a young law student named Rex,
who had very small organs of sex.
When charged with exposure,
he said with composure:
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."
His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Why God Made Lawyers
Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm not perfect, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"
The "Lawyers" Clock
After his death, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil.
"What's your second question?"
"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the 'lawyers' clock?"
The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he muttered, looking frantically, "It has to be here somewhere... Oh, there will be Hell to pay for this."
Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and exclaimed, "Oh, yes! How silly of me. We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."
Law -- As It Should Be
One evening after attending the theatre, two cowboys were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive lady just ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50 to spend the night with that woman." To their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark and, turning around, said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice so after bidding his companion adieu, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment where they immediately went to bed.
The following morning he presented her with $25 as he prepared to go. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the rest of the $50, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his appearance in court. The defendant's lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented after the usual preliminaries." The lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your Honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a colorful garden spot with ideal temperatures, conditions for social activity surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but on vacating the premises he paid her only $25, one half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not expensive, but it was restricted property in a private zone, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had prepared and presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it.
"Your Honor," he said, "my client agrees that the young lady had a fine piece of property, that he did rent the property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was received from the transaction; however, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, erected a pump, and initiated pumping operations personally performed by him, which produced results mutually beneficial. We claim these improvements to the property and the mutual benefit resulting adequately compensate for the rental of said property. We will, therefore, ask the judgment not be granted."
Then the young lady's lawyer came back:
"Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property, that he did make improvements, and did produce favorable results such as my opponent describes; however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon vacating the premises the defendant removed his stones, pulled out the shaft, and took his pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but also left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, requiring extensive mop up operations and making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted."
AND SHE GOT IT!
|
