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- Sleeping Arrangements
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
- Across Trade Lines
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same.
Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
- Practicing My Art
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
- The Statue
A man was looking around a small gift shop when he came across an amazingly ugly statue of a rat. As he was staring at this statue, the shopkeeper came up to him and began to speak. "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your interest in the statue. It's only five dollars, sir, but the story behind it will cost you fifty."
The man turned back around and looked in shock. "Let me get this straight. If I buy the statue and the story behind it, I'll be paying fifty-five dollars. But if I can bear to live without the story, I'll only pay five? Sold!"
He paid the merchant and walked out of the store. A few moments later, he noticed that a lone rat was following him. He shrugged, and ignored the rodent, hoping it would leave.
When he looked back aain, some five minutes later, he saw that the number of rodents had grown to maybe fifty rats. A little nervous, he turned back to his path and continued walking.
When he looked around the third time, he saw thousands of rats following him. Horribly frightened, the man rushed to a dock overlooking the ocean and threw the statue as far out to sea as he possibly could.
The rats followed the statue, sinking into the waves like stones. The man then rushed back to the shop, elated, panicked, and still in shock.
When he burst through the door, the shopkeeper gave a little chuckle.
He had a smug grin on his face as he said, "I expect you've come back to buy the story." The merchant held out his hand for the fifty dollars.
The customer looked confused for a second, then realized.
"Hell no! I wanna know if you've got a statue of a lawyer here!"
- Lawyer in Heaven
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
- Typical Lawyers
Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island, nothing around them for miles and miles but water. They've been stranded here for quite some time, so they've gotten quite bored with one another. One of the lawyers tells the other he's going to climb to the top of the tree (the only thing on the island) to see if he can possibly see a rescue team coming. The other lawyer tells him he's crazy and that he's just wasting his time and won't see anything. But the lawyer proceeds to climb to the top of the tree anyway.
He's up there only a short time when the lawyer down on the ground hears him say, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" So the lawyer on the ground says, "What do you see? I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So the lawyer reluctantly climbs down the tree and proceeds to tell his friend that he saw a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up floats a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers go over to where she is and one says to the other, "Well, you know it's been a long time...do you think we should screw her?"
The other lawyer responds, "Out of what?"
- What Happened to Your Car?
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is totaled and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
- The Truck Driver
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road.
One day as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. The truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."
- Charity Donations
Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him to mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"
The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penny less with three children?"
Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.
"Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
- A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
- Insurance Payoffs
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
- Mr. Spenser
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"
The man paused for a moment, then quietly said 'no' and hung up.
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer. The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up."
The man again hung up. Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked
for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"
The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."
- Change of Venue
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
- A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for (other generic profession) brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
- Scientific Findings
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys thanthere are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
- Hot Air Balloon
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.
After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".
So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?".
And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".
And Harry says "How can you tell?".
George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
- What Have You Done?
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
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